Time Team Transcript

The Walk

History of the area

Millions of years ago there was a settlement just north of Lustleigh. It was a peaceful place populated by beautiful women known as the Totti. They didn't do much except sit around watching daytime TV and dreaming of becoming celebrities. The men were fond of building monuments and were especially proud of the nice new henge they had constructed.

A few miles away was a hamlet called Lustleigh. It was a dormitory village for the nearby Kelly's Mine which was owned by Rio Tinto Zinc. Lustleigh, as you might expect from the name, was full of randy Cornish miners who would sit around in the local pub killing their brain cells with firewater and muttering "arrrrrrgh" at irregular intervals. From time to time they would trudge northwards to enjoy the pleasures offered by the Totti womenfolk. This brought wealth to the settlement and everyone was happy.

Everyone that is except the residents of Bullaton Cross - just to the south of the Totti settlement. In those days it was known as Bullingdon Cross and the men carried big cudgels know as Bullingdon Clubs. They used these to bully and intimidate people. They were unpleasant greedy people who were always seeking ways to exploit those less well off. They would spend their time sneering at people and smashing up restaurants.

They saw the Totti growing in wealth and came up with a plan to get a share. The miners had to pass by their land so they built dams to create lakes which blocked their path. The miners had to pay money for access to the Totti - across the Tottiford but some tried to skirt around the marshy edges which consisted of black/brown smelly stuff from the mines. Sadly their feet became diseased and rotten - hence Trenchfoot Reservoir.

The lakes grew and soon became populated by giant leaping sharks - pictures of which can be seen on the Ordnance Survey maps. The sharks came by the scientifically proven method of spontaneous generation which basically says that if you can believe that everything was invented by the imaginary man in the sky it could equally be believed that it all just happens by serendipity. The burden of proof is equal for both ideas.


Photo of the Blue Sharks

Eventually it became obvious that the Totti way of life was threatened. The High Priest appealed to the world for help. A few Liberal MP's came up from Cornwall. The liberals were an almost extinct tribe who were descended from the Liberaci or Liberace. They were mostly piano playing homosexuals which explains why there weren't many of them. They were desperate for people to take them seriously and would have sold their grandmothers for a bit of power. But of course they turned out to be useless and changed sides when the Bullingdon people cuddled up to them and gave them trinkets such as badges saying "I'm important". They would do menial tasks such as taking the blame for cockups in return for these favours . After a time they could often be seen carrying Bullingdon Clubs themselves and were indistinguishable from their masters except for their pompous demeanour.

The henge was now flooded and the Totti moved away. The high priestess shouted a curse to the sky. She said the country would come to be run by a demented old witch who with her friends would devour the assets of the country. There would be a period of quiet before descendants of the Bullingdon people took over and ravaged all the good and loved things that were still left. The way would then be clear for them to exploit everyone so we would all be in the metaphorical dark brown smelly stuff around the edges of the lakes. A dwarf called Tiny Robinson or Baldrick would come and drain the lake so that the henge would be revealed once more.

This would continue until the Cornish stopped voting liberal but would be helped by raising a glass of Cornish beer in Lustleigh pub to a cry of "The henge, the henge. A tribute to the Totti or we are all doomed".

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The Liberal Party Manifesto 1905